Snoopy
by Nithke
Summary: What's Middle-Earth really like? Charlene tried to find out, and boy, do we feel sorry for her...mwa ha ha.
1. Boredom and Walking

Charlene puffed aggravatedly as she stared out the window. The grass was a vibrant green fertilized by the rain, which had been pouring endlessly for the past week. Finally, now, the flood was over, leaving a brilliant blue sky with verdantly neon trees silhouetted against it.

And that was what pissed her off so much, she thought. It looked like Middle-Earth--

BUT IT WASN'T.

_This is suburbia, ladies and gentlemen. My house is not an elven paradise, but a split-level in the middle of what used to be woods. There's a McDonalds across the street, and even if I squint my eyes and look in the opposite direction, pretty soon some damn SUV comes along and wrecks the whole effect. God!_

She grabbed the rolling shade and yanked it down. As soon as she let it loose, it pulled itself free of her grasp and balled up into a tube again, vibrating in silent laughter.

"Aargh! Even blinds hate me!" she moaned, burying her hands in her poop-brown hair. She thunked her head down on the table. Next to it, a waterstained copy of The Two Towers mocked her with its stylized cover painting. "If I were in Arda, everything would _love_ me," Charlene grumbled. "But our society has no room for pariahs like I. _We_ just have to sit at home all summer and be…BORED!"

What in the world was there to do? There was absolutely nothing good on TV, once she'd gotten sick of Friends reruns. Jennifer Aniston ticked her off. The Internet was a pointless wasteland of sex toy ads and bad news reports. Clean her room? Yeah. HA. Thaaat would happen.

Suddenly, her list of activities was interrupted by a tugging on her Sketchers. She looked underneath the counter and saw the obnoxiously cute animal her parents had bought her for her fifteenth birthday. Charlene contemplated kicking it across the room, but instead grabbed the leather leash that dangled from its collar (eternal ease in avoiding puppy accidents) and kept getting wrapped around table legs.

"All right, a walk. Maybe you'll run under a bus or something," she sighed, tugging the idiotic thing to the screen door.

Outside wasn't much better. "Dog, I will bet you ten bucks that there are not dead worms on the pavement in Rivendell," she declared to the puppy as it bit the heads off of them. Keeping her head firmly turned above sidewalk level, Charlene marched on---

Which is why she almost would have missed the ring, if the beagle hadn't stopped to squat over it.

Soo…I know, you think y've heard this before. But. It will be better, cross my heart. Do RR…and flamers will be pleasantly humiliated later on!


	2. Obscene Politeness

**Chapter 2**

Charlene caressed the smoothly shining thing. It had a dark lavender set in the center, among the rich slightly muddy silver of the metal. Simple, yet pretty. She smiled, muttering…"It is…precious…to me…"

Placing it in her pocket, Char turned on her heel and strode back towards the house, yanking the dog around with a yelp. She was intent on getting the thing home and cleaning it off; so intent, actually, that she collided with someone.

BAM! A sound of heads knocking ensued. "Ow!" came the cry from the other person.

"Oh, sorry! Didn't see you," mumbled Charlene.

"That's quite all right," replied the girl delicately, while rubbing her bruising forehead. "I'm sure you had something important on your mind."

Charlene stared up at her in wonder. How on earth could somebody be so polite after being nearly concussed? And not only polite, but perfectly groomed. Her ebony hair swung, shining, from a tasteful band made of lustrous stones. Her eyes, which were the same color as the ring, incidentally, batted under lashes so heavy it was a wonder she could keep her eyes open. Her face was perfectly balanced and charming. Also, for some reason, she was carrying a sword. In a sheath.

"What's the sword for?" Charlene asked.

"Oh, I'm on my way to fencing practice. I've trained with a master in medieval weaponry for quite some time now, actually." She stuck out her hand gracefully. "I apologize for bumping into you, once again. I shouldn't even have come this way, but it was like something was calling me to take a route several blocks out of my usual…My name is Aethelflaed. What's yours?"

"Um…Charlene," Charlene said. She stared at the hand for five seconds before realizing that Aethelflaed wanted a handshake. She shook it roughly, then pulled her hand back. "Well. Nice meeting you."

"The pleasure is all mine," the girl said, smiling charmingly.

Charlene opened her front door and walked inside as Aethelflaed walked around, looking vaguely angsty and confused (yet still beautiful).

In the 15 minutes that Char had been out walking, Mrs. Brown had started supper. She was stirring a pot of what looked like extremely beefy chili. "Hello, dear," grunted her mother as she pushed the spoon through the steamed tomatoes.

"Hi, Mom," Charlene yelled as she ran through the kitchen en route to the bathroom sink.

"Oh, just a minute, there! Give your mommy a hug," demanded the large woman.

Charlene walked over and reluctantly embraced her. Mrs. Brown hung on for about ten moments more than Charlene would have liked. She struggled to get away, but could not escape.

"You….are….getting…so…big!" hummed her mother as she rubbed her back. Releasing her, (yes!) she stopped and sniffed. "Why do you smell like roses?"

On the way to the hall, Char lifted her hand and realized that it did, indeed, smell like her least favorite flower. Damn that Aethelflaed. Ah, well. She filled up the worn counter sink with its chipped 1970s chic brown tile, squirting a couple pounds of hand soap in for good measure. Grabbing a toothbrush (her brother's), she began to scrub the dog poo and dirt away.

Gradually, the ring was revealed to be even more beautiful than before. More beautiful than Aethelflaed. More beautiful than anything she'd seen in a while. Wow. Char grabbed the towel and wiped it off, buffing it to a luster.

Would the ring fit? It looked so tiny. But it would make her scruffy hands so much prettier…She thought that yes, it would fit over her pinkie. Charlene shoved it on and stretched out her paw, admiring the effect for a half-minute or so---

At least, before she disappeared.

Shoutouts! Whoop dee dee!

**_Snuffles55_****:** Hell, yeah! I loooove parodies. Recognize Aethelflaed?

**_Ealusaid:_**Why, thanks, there! THIS is what I'm doing with it…mwah! More comes soon, promise.


End file.
